W 2 실전연습

IELTS Academic Writing Task 2:

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic:

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an aging population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people.

To what extent do the advantages of having an aging population outweigh the disadvantages?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

 

It is a common belief that an aging population makes many challenges for governments. However, I firmly believe that there are a variety of advantages if society has more elderly people by those reasons.

First of all, the aging population allows society to stable their people's lives. The increasing of elderly member in a society means that not only the society would have more experienced and well trained workers but also strong competition would be lessen in this society. For example, Japan has been experiencing an aging population issue from decades ago, and many researchers and economists predicted that Japan will be collapsed in many areas such as education, economy, and culture. Contrary to this worries, ordinary people are enjoying their lives in the better living conditions than ever. Most crucial reason of this is that housing cost plummeted and it lets Japanese living cost decrease dramatically.     

 Moreover, it could encourages people to be open-minded to immigrants. If a country have a strong nationalism, it can be harmful for the country's international ralationship but also for people who live in the nation. On the other's hand, a society which have a broaden and embracing pespective to people who have different nationalities and backgrounds, the society can be revitalized and be productive. Many history analysts said that the U.S.A became the most powerful country in the world because of their tolerant policies about immigrants. They have been got various multi-cultural citizens in their population by a serial of policies in educational and political fields.  

The last but not the least, the aging poplulation also has a positive impact on the environmental problem. 

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고친 답안:

It is a common belief that an aging population creates significant challenges for governments. However, I firmly believe that having more elderly people in society offers numerous advantages for the following reasons.

First of all, an aging population contributes to greater stability in society. An increase in the number of elderly individuals often means that society can benefit from a more experienced and skilled workforce. Additionally, reduced competition in certain sectors can lead to a more harmonious social environment. For example, Japan has faced aging population issues for decades, and while some researchers predicted a collapse in areas such as education, the economy, and culture, the opposite has occurred. Ordinary people in Japan now enjoy better living conditions, largely because housing costs have dropped significantly, resulting in a substantial decrease in the overall cost of living.

Moreover, an aging population can encourage societies to become more open to immigration. In countries with strong nationalist sentiments, resistance to immigrants can harm international relations and alienate people from diverse backgrounds. On the other hand, societies that adopt a more inclusive perspective toward individuals with different nationalities and cultures can become revitalized and more productive. For instance, historians have noted that the United States became a global superpower partly due to its open policies on immigration. Through a series of educational and political reforms, the U.S. has successfully integrated multicultural populations, fostering innovation and growth.

In conclusion, while an aging population presents certain challenges, the advantages it brings, such as societal stability, openness to immigration outweigh the drawbacks. Societies should embrace this trend and find ways to harness its potential for long-term growth and sustainability.

harness 이용하다.

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고쳐진 답안의 강점:

1. Task Response:
   • 논지를 명확히 뒷받침하며, 세 가지 주요 아이디어를 논리적으로 전개했습니다.
   • 환경 문제에 대한 본론이 구체적으로 추가되어 완성도가 높아졌습니다.
2. Coherence and Cohesion:
   • 문단 간 논리적 연결이 강화되었습니다.
   • 연결어 사용이 다양해지고 자연스러워졌습니다 ("Additionally," "On the other hand," "Finally").
3. Lexical Resource:
   • 더 풍부하고 정확한 어휘를 사용했습니다 (e.g., "revitalized," "inclusive perspective," "environmental sustainability").
   • 불필요한 반복을 줄이고 다양한 표현을 사용했습니다.
4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
   • 문법 오류가 수정되었으며, 더 복잡하고 다양한 문장 구조를 사용했습니다.
   • 관사, 단복수 일치, 시제 오류가 모두 해결되었습니다.